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dream analysis by my little sister

I shared my dream with her and she responded with this:

Ok, SIS of mine. Here is my analysis: mom is as you currently see her, amazing yet still dead. Your athleticism (?) is everything you feel you are tied to be it your job or other people. Right now you feel a particular tie or pull to dad. The treadmill is your life. The people on the other treadmills are those things you feel are holding you back and keeping you from achieving your purpose. You keep running, yet you get nowhere - even when you have listened to other's advice. You need to listen to your heart and trust yourself, only then can you move forward. You are back at Dad's because you feel a particular loyalty to him at this time. Purple represents royalty and Weesie was the strongest force in your life. It is natural to feel lost without her. Deep down you are questioning Papa and his decision about Weesie. You question if he didn't cut her life short - symbolized by the feet not making the journey to the cemetery and the saw papa holds. You do not question his love or loyalty, only his decision. The old car represents your longing for the past and simpler times. I think that is all I got.

**I love that she recognizes that Weesie was, in fact, the strongest force in my life.
Cuh-reepy dream.

I am playing softball, or something athletic, in my mom and dad's front yard. My mom is dead and we are having a funeral in the yard soon. She is wearing a red suit and it looks amazing with her black hair. After the funeral she is taken for burial.

I am distraught and go to a giant oval treadmill. I am trying to run as fast as I can, but the speed of the treadmill is the average of all the runners, and I am frustrated because one of them is very slow and I can not get it to go faster. I lie down and start pulling on the sides of the track, trying to speed it up somehow. Another runner tells me the oval is actually made up of several different lengths of treadmill, and I can go to another section and run faster. I take her advice and run and run and run, until I am exhausted.

I head back to my dad's, because it is time to bury Weesie. She will be wearing a purple suit and I need to drop it off so she can be changed. I am crying because of these great losses at one time. I run into my grandfather, who is taking her body to the cemetery; he's transporting her in the hatch of his old Horizon. He is wearing a butcher's apron and carrying a hacksaw.

"I had to cut her down to make her fit," he says. I am appalled but don't want to hurt him, because clearly he was acting in a way he thought was pragmatic. I think to myself, "don't judge, don't judge, don't judge." Finally I say, "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Well," he says, "she had big feet."


Tonight I went out with Melissa and Terry, Tonya and Therasa (I think I spelled that right), and Melissa's mom Velma, and also met two lovely ladies, Tammy and Tammy, and another couple of lovely ladies, Helen and Eileen. I had a complete blast. It is the first time I have gone out and done anything fun in...honestly, I can't remember. A couple of years ago I went to Jamie's house for an hour on New Year's, but that is it. I made arrangements for Abby to spend the night with a friend so I could go out and not worry the entire time. Anna stayed with Adam (she's fifteen) and I called twice to check on them.

When I got home, Anna said she had something to tell me, but not to get upset because she "handled it." I'm not clear as to what happened with Abby and the girl she was supposed to spend the night with, but when the skating rink closed at eleven, the girl had left and Abby didn't have a ride home. Rather than call me to let me know what was going on, Anna tried to find someone to pick Abby up, but when she couldn't find anyone, she and her friend Stephen told Abby to start WALKING HOME and they would walk and meet her halfway. It's two and half miles to the rink from our house. At eleven o'clock at night. On one of the major roads in Ashland. One of the employees from the rink ended up driving to the halfway point with Abby, picking up Anna and Stephen, and taking everyone home.

Anna does not understand why I am so upset. "Mom, I handled it! I didn't want to bother you because you never get to go anywhere."

I feel like I can not ever go anywhere again until they are all 18. I expect Anna, at 15 (and she is a very mature teenager) to make a better decision than that. She feels it was a perfectly good choice and Abby is home safe and sound, so what is wrong with that?
*head desk head desk head desk*

Now I'm going to have to call the skating rink tomorrow and tell them I am not some paryting mom who leaves my kids alone with no way home while I go out.

Shoot me now. Just shoot me dead. I just wanted to hang out with Melissa and enjoy some time out of the house. I am so upset and disappointed.

I really did have a GREAT time, though.

have i really not posted since July 24th?

That can't be right, can it?

Seriously, I need to get with it!


Last night Anna had a friend spend the night. At 4:30 in the morning Rachel called to tell me her window was open and she could hear voices coming from my yard. So I checked all the kids--Adam and Abby were asleep. Anna's room was empty. I quietly walked around the outside of the house to find Anna and her friend on the deck.

With two boys.

At 4:30 in the morning.

And one of the boys called me "mam." Like I'm OLD or something. Stupid 15-year-old boy trying to act all respectful. I'm not falling for that.

things calm down

My dad and I have had some major conversations this past week. I don't think I have ever--EVER--had conversations like this with my dad, ones in which we are discussing things as equals.

He does not want us to pursue anything in regard to Weesie. I don't know how my sisters will feel about it. They are still at the beach and I haven't heard from them, but they've called Dad a couple of times to let him know they are okay.

I call him every night at 10:30 to talk about our respective days.

He is still in the midst of grief and cries quite a bit over Mom. It breaks my heart. I just listen and reminisce with him and listen some more. I think it is surprising to both of us that we have somehow drawn close together.

My dad is not religious. But he's been going to church for a few years. He is an atheist; he believes life does not continue in any other dimension or plane or heaven. But he can't bear the thought that Mom no longer exists...so he goes to church because it gives him comfort to be in a place that Mom liked to be.

I get that.

I loved this insight into him.

I was angry with him for so many years because of the things he did not do for Mom. But in the end, he took care of her. He loved her. He misses her.


creepy dream

I am dreaming that I am going to Pennsic. I am on a bus going to a battle and there are three Darkmoon fighters there. I recognize two of them. One makes eye contact with me, tells me he is glad to see me. I tell him I want to watch them fight but am afraid to be seen. He tells me some will be happy to see me but most will not and I should watch from afar.

I am in a beautiful cotehardie. Of course I am very thin (as I always am when I see myself in dreams). I run into Liz. She is not fighting but is dressed in a beautiful gown. We drive to my home, where I find it is flooding from a burst pipe. Liz throws off her shoes to press down on a large knob that will stop the flooding. I look out the window and see my mother. I become very excited and tell Liz to come meet her.

But wait! Why can I see my mother? My mother is dead! She walks past me, wearing a long white dress, and smiles serenely at me. I am confused. And there is Weesie! Things are happening quickly, everything begins swirling, and I see my dad. "Dad!" I cry, and he comes toward me, and suddenly I realize he is looking down at me with a great sadness. Things are blurry and dark, and I panic. Am I dead? Dad! Dad! but he does not answer and I can't see him anymore. I realize I am dead and I become fearful--what will happen to my children?!

I wake up in a sudden burst of shock and I begin pinching myself, checking my pulse, biting my cheek to see if I can feel anything, making sure I am alive.

I am all shivery and dealing with nightmare hangover all morning.

happy things

My sister Jennifer came to the center today as a storyteller. This is the second time she's done it and the clients LOVE her. She is an outstanding storyteller.

Today before telling a story, she read them The True Story of the Three Little Pigs. Jennifer doesn't just read a story...she makes it come alive. She kept the clients in giggles. They were completely enthralled.


There's no hidden meaning in this, I just remembered this song today and went looking for it.

Remember Crystal Bernard from Wings?

happy things

I actively worked at changing my mindset today to look for the happy.

So here goes:

Client S. (21) smiled at me today and said, "I love you, Jill," as he gave me a hug.

Sweet iced tea.

A client asked if she could bring Hot Pockets tomorrow and I pretended to not understand. "How do you make your pockets hot? Do you put hot rocks in them?" She kept trying to explain..."No, it has pizza." So I said, "You put pizza in your pockets?" She laughed and said, "Oh, lord." :D

Well, it's a start.


the universe loves me
Saffire Bleu

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